President Trump has accused virtually every country, including those inhabited only by penguins of ripping us off when it comes to trade. But there’s one region that the President has neglected to protect us from: the North Pole. By every metric that the Trump administration has used, Good Saint Nick should really be considered an economic terrorist. Consider the following:
North Pole Trade Deficit
Santa operates out of the North Pole which is (as of yet) not part of the United States; everything that he brings into the country is considered an import. Meanwhile we export nothing to the North Pole annually, giving us an entirely one-sided trade deficit with the North Pole. But just how much does Santa actually import into the United States each Christmas?
With just under two-thirds of Americans identifying as “Christian,” that gives us about 200 million people eligible for gifts from Santa, of which about half would be considered children. A recent survey finds that parents are anticipating spending about $521 per child on Christmas presents, which equates to $52.1 billion worth of Christmas spending. Obviously, parents and other family members will contribute the bulk of these presents to the kids. If we assume that only a quarter of the gifts that children receive on Christmas morning are “From: Santa,” that means that Santa must be importing $13 billion worth of Christmas presents on Christmas Eve.
Using the same methodology that the President’s Council of Economic Advisors has used, we can calculate the devastation that this pile of presents would bring upon our nation. At an average wage of $36 per hour, Santa’s imports are the equivalent of 180,555 manufacturing jobs that are destroyed by him deciding to spread his “good cheer.”
Of course, if Santa were to contribute more than a mere quarter of the Christmas presents per year, this number would only rise.
Unfair Trade Practices
Worse still, is Santa’s practice of dumping gifts on the American economy. “Dumping,” according to US law, is when a foreign producer sells goods in America below the cost of production. Previous administrations have solved this in the past through the use of antidumping duties, sometimes exceeding 200 percent of the product’s value.
But Santa does not merely sell below cost. He gives his goods away for free. This is dumping at a price of zero, which is completely indefensible under US law. Even China, often referred to as the worst trade offender in the world, has the decency to charge us something for their harmful production.
Using standard methodology to calculate the appropriate response is simple: take the value of the good, divide it by the price the importer is selling, and multiply it by 100 to arrive at the appropriate percentage penalty to apply. Since Santa charges us nothing, the appropriate response is therefore an infinite tariff rate applied to any and all goods imported from the North Pole.
Unfair Production Processes
We must also consider the means by which the North Pole produces its wares: intellectual property theft. Santa does not produce his own merchandise, but rather creates facsimiles of products readily available on shelves of stores around the country. This is intellectual property theft at its finest, which by some estimates costs the US up to $600 billion annually. Is it possible that all of those “elves on the shelves” are really spies, seeking to steal trade secrets through corporate espionage? After all, they apparently return to the North Pole every evening to “report to Santa.” Just what is in those reports? Has anyone seen them?
And how does Santa build these gifts? Through the use of what can only be considered child and slave labor, no less. Watching 1994’s The Santa Clause with the eyes of a trade representative reveals just how abhorrent Santa’s labor practices are as Santa has been using child elf labor since the beginning of his operation. Worse is 2003’s Elf, which reveals that when an elf does manage to escape, none other than Santa himself will descend from his throne and seek to collect the escapee. And should an elf wish to be anything other than a toymaker, he is berated and faced with serious pressure to conform, as the 1964 Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer shows with the plight of Hermey and his desire to become a dentist.
“And what are these elves paid with?” you ask. That’s easy: candy canes, hot cocoa, and “Christmas spirit.” This is currency manipulation at its finest. Meanwhile, these workers live in a region with no significant thermal activity and average temperatures of about -40°F, six months of darkness, and zero compliance with standard OSHA practices. Still, Santa reports that his elves are “merry.”
National Security Threat
Finally, we must consider the national security threat that Santa presents. President Trump has secured the border against illegal crossings. So why has nothing been done against Santa? Has he been vetted by national security advisors? Does he have visa paperwork or asylum status? Does he enter through a designated port of entry, submit to customs inspections, or declare the goods he is importing? It appears that the answers to all of these questions are a resounding “no,” which means that if any border is in need of a wall, it’s our northern border. Good luck building one tall enough to stop reindeer flying at over 650 miles per second.
Either Condemn Santa—or Thank Free Traders
To his credit, the President has tried to convince parents that they should give their children fewer Christmas presents. At his affordability rally in Pennsylvania just a few weeks ago, he pointed out very clearly that “you don’t need 37 [dolls] for your daughter. Two or three is nice.” This isn’t the first time the President has derided excess consumption in the name of national security: he said as much back in May as well.
The reality is that the American people understand full well that Santa is no “economic terrorist.” While we may bemoan having to clean up the mess of wrapping paper, find ourselves unprepared for the sheer number of toys that need (but do not include) batteries, and perhaps find frustration that after a late night, we have to get up absurdly early, we still see Christmas Day not as a sign of us being taken advantage of, but as a day of celebration and good cheer.
But if we really stop and think about it, foreign producers have a degree of “Santa” in them. While they do not sell us their wares at zero price, they still charge lower prices than our domestic counterparts can match. This means more access to goods and services that allow us to live healthily and wealthily, however we choose to define those terms. Unlike Santa, foreign producers sell their “gifts” to everyone regardless of age or religious affiliation and they do so year round.
So what we should really be after here is consistency: either condemn Santa as the job-destroying, IP-stealing, border-flouting menace he is — or thank foreign producers for enriching our lives with their gifts of specialization. You cannot have it both ways.